Howdy, everyone, Nick Nolte here.

Hey, wanna hear a joke?  I once knew a blackjack dealer who I beat to death with a black jack.  Ha, that one always cracks me up.  But there’s a lot you may not know about me. Like how soaking my dentures in paint thinner gives my smile its healthy glow, or that when I was a kid I used to swindle the tooth fairy with my own kidney stones.

Anyway, it’s been a rough week for your Uncle Nort.  My house damn near burnt down, and despite what you read in the papers, that shark weren’t no virgin.  But hell, don’t worry about me, I’ll be alright.  To get my head straight, I spent the rest of the week ridin around on the custom Harley Jesse James built me that runs on fish guts, and fillin up my new waterbed with gravel. I should be back to normal in no time.  Anyhow, here’s what else was going on this week:

Random Task Accused of Gun Rape
Sounds like a despicable SOB, you ask me.  Only time I ever gun raped a woman was the time I had to shake down a fetus owed me money on a craps game.

Ryan Gosling as the Green Lantern?
I don’t know much about this cart-toon business, but the lady in the picture sure is pretty.

Spider-Man is the Most Expensive Broadway Musical Ever
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for live theater.  But I’ll tell ya what’s a lot cheaper’n Spiderman: a cockfight.  It’s got more action and less queers dancing around too.

David Zucker the Victim of a Ticket-Taker Conspiracy
I never trusted them shifty-eyed bastards at the movie counter.  Not since they made me buy an extra ticket for my pet boar, Errol.  Killed ‘im myself outside Albuquerque back in ’67.  Took out his insides and preserved him with turpentine and dead lizards.  Now he accompanies me to the occasional show.  He weren’t hurtin nobody.

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Opening this weekend:

Body of Lies: Russell Crowe and Leo try to fight the war on terror with their pants on fire.  If nothing else, you’ll be able to hear a new Guns n Roses song.  It’s apropos that Axl Rose would be affiliated with something called “Body of Lies” considering he looks like a middle-aged lesbian these days.  Still, the magic is gone since I heard they cut Russell Crowe’s hilarious zinger about Greek women.

City of Ember: I’m boycotting anything with that chick from Atonement in it.

The Express:  Heartwarming story of triumph based on the life of the first black Heisman Trophy winner.  Hey, you know he gets leukemia and dies before he ever makes it to the pros, right?  What kind of f-cked up shit is that?  “Hey kids, you can achieve anything you put your mind to.  Also, your heart might stop or your dick might rot off for no reason one day.  Life’s a trip, huh?”

Quarantine: I feel like I’ve already seen this movie nine times and have always wanted my money back afterwards.  But it’s a Screen Gems production so I’m sure it will be great, he said as he made an exaggerated wanking gesture.

Rocknrolla: Guy Ritchie’s new film - in limited release this weekend, expanding to wide October 31st. It’s getting largely mixed reviews.  What do you expect when Jason Statham’s not in it?  A Guy Ritchie movie without the Stath’ is like a child without laughter.

Either Hollywood Reporter is wrong or there’s some weirdness going on with Max Payne’s rating.  Last week I reported on director John Moore’s bitching about trying to get a PG-13 and subsequent flip flop.  Today, Payne’s official website went live with “This film is not yet rated” on the main page and PG-13 listed in the About section.  Meanwhile, THR’s ratings from last week list it as R, while the MPAA still has it as PG-13.

I’m still waiting to hear back from them, but my sense is that THR made a mistake.  Keep in mind that the studio behind Max Payne is Fox, and Fox is retarded.  It would be just like the company behind Babylon A.D. to figure a movie with R-rated appeal like Max Payne could reach a wider audience if they just took out half the stuff people liked in the first place.  “If you love titties, you’ll tolerate chicks in bikinis!”

Fox: Retarded like a fox.  That should be their slogan.  Also note: anything with “Babylon” in the title becomes 1000% cooler when you change it to “Baby Lawn”.

UPDATE:  Got confirmation from Hollywood Reporter that they made a mistake.  Though the real mistake was making a Max Payne movie PG-13.

Friday Free for All is that time of the week when I post funny videos for some reason. Send me your tips so this post isn’t empty next Friday

Today’s Friday Free for All clip is a fake trailer called “Suckerpunch and Leroy”. It’s pretty much exactly like it sounds. Thanks to whoever sent me this. Eat your heart out, Shane Black.

You know, I say “Eat your heart out” a lot, but what the hell does it actually mean? I bet it’s a lot less funny when you’re high on PCP. And speaking of PCP, I’ve got a bonus clip for you after the jump. HONORABLE MENTION: This kid is a freaking genius.

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Dark Knight co-writer (…and Ghost Rider Exec Producer) David S. Goyer wrote and directed this little gem, Unborn, opening January 9th.  Judging by the trailer, it’s just about the most original-looking horror movie I’ve seen in a long time.  Ha, just kidding, it’s ghosts and possessed kids again.  Cam Gigandet is reprising his role as the kiss of death.