Opening:

Speed Racer
Yahoo has the first seven minutes of Speed Racer online (watch it after the jump), and I’m pretty comfortable saying that it’s like being stuck in a retarded 10-year-old’s coma fantasy.  It’s totally new and different, and revolutionary in how much it hurts the fuck out of my face and brain.  By the end, I was curled into a fetal position, crying into the beige towel I wrapped around my head.  Shoulda taken the blue pill.

What Happens in Vegas
The Las Vegas Board of Tourism reminds you not to think too hard.  If you’ve ever seen a romantic comedy, you’ve already seen this.  If you still want to see it, it’s probably because you’re really pretty and all your friends are just jealous bitches.

The Fall
Has potential and has received rave reviews from some, but in my mind awesome visuals don’t outweigh the little girl and her creepy accent.  Or maybe she’s really cute, what the hell do I know.  I just want them to make a prequel called Chick with Big Cans Walking Down Stairs.

UPDATE: Moved the clip after the jump to improve the load speed. Skeet skeet skeet...

Today's clip is the opening sequence for Zero Trooper F, a goofy short film by Eric Lim and his buddies from the University of Wiscaaaansin.

And this, boys and girls, is a master class in how to shoot on a budget.  It’s energetic, very fun, technically very impressive and it’s smart enough to turn the budget limitations into a strength.  Pay special attention to the cockpits of the fighter jets.  Very nice. [Twitch]

It harkens back to a golden age of special effects that required more creativity than, say, hiring 1500 Asian 12-year-olds to individually render each blade of grass.  In other words, um, the 80s.  In any case, I think The Cockpit would be a great name for a gay bar.

Donnie Darko is reportedly getting a classy sequel, S. Darko.

Daviegh Chase reprises her role as Donnie's younger sister. The cast for S. Darko also includes Ed Westwick (Son Of Rambow, Gossip Girl), Briana Evigan (Step Up 2) and Justin Chatwin (Dragon Ball). Chris Fisher, who previously made Nightstalker and Rampage: The Hillside Strangler Murders, will direct. The budget is pegged around $10m. The story picks up seven years after the first film (and Donnie's death) when little sister Samantha Darko and her best friend Corey are now 18 and on a roadtrip to Los Angeles when they are plagued by bizarre visions.

That’s right, no Jake Gyllenhaal and no Richard Kelly.  So basically this is about the younger sister, which is like doing a Michael Bay sequel about one of the token black guys without Michael Bay directing.  But don’t worry, it’ll still be awesome says some guy you’ve never heard of.

Simon Crowe of [the studio producing] added: "I think there is a new generation of cinema-goers who will be very excited to see this film. Donnie's not in [the new film] but there are meteorites and rabbits."  [ScreenDaily]

Of course there are. -Thanks to Ohad for the tip

“A set of twins -- one a hard-working student and the other a drifter -- team up with a dropout to unlock the secrets of the universe and to build one of their own,” 

Marvel is currently planning a movie adaptation of Thor, set for release June 4th 2010.  Studio president Kevin Feige describes the film as "a period fantasy [hee hee, gross! –Ed.] in the vein of The Lord of the Rings series [No way! I’ve never heard a description like that before!]." 

The budget is reportedly somewhere between $150 and $300 million dollars.  Previously attached to the project was director Matthew Vaughn of Layer Cake and Stardust, but the expiration of his contract has left the producers scrambling to find a suitable replacement.

In my mind, the most important thing about the news that Matthew Vaughn is off Thor is the implication that at one point, Matthew Vaughn was on Thor. Hahahahahahahahahahaha – queers.

[Source]

Indiana Jones and the Other Words After It screened recently, and /Film has a full breakdown of the early reviews.  Surprisingly, they range all the way from “Sucks giant moose cock” to “Meh.” 

[From one review] During the whole of the movie, there was not a single moment that I thought our hero Mr. Jones was in any sort of peril or even significant inconvenience. In most cases, you were so many steps ahead of the characters that it was really just an arduous wait for them to get through it.

[From another review] Ironically, the problem is that Lucas, Spielberg, and Ford are trying far too hard to give everyone what they think that they want. Look! It’s the Ark! Look! It’s Marion! Look! It’s not the mileage, it’s the years! Everyone’s just treading water in this thing.

So there you have it.  In other news, my girlfriend’s sister’s best friend’s  uncle’s mistress’s milkman swears Vin Diesel is "a Major-League fudgepacker." 

But be sure to check out all of the reviews so that you too will be able to properly debate your ranking of the four Indy movies at parties.  If there’s a better way to get laid than that, I haven’t thought of it.